The continuing adventures of Fagballs Shepard
Feb 27, 2010 12:06:08 GMT
Post by Cztheron on Feb 27, 2010 12:06:08 GMT
I'm playing through Mass Effect again, this time as a ginger, scarred asshole named Fagballs. First off, cut to Shepard looking dramatic in the Arcturus Station.
Udina; "Is this really the kind of person we want defending the Galaxy?"
Couldn't of said it better my self. Cut to Normandy, Shepard strides majestically past the camera pushing innocient bystanders aside. He finally comes to a stop and the camera sweeps around to view his ugly mug with a stern expression on it. Needless to say, Fagballs doesn't suffer fools lightly and Kaidan and Joker recieve an earfull, as does Pressly, Chakwas, Anderson and Nihlus.
"Is that a threat turian?" - Fagballs doesn't like Turians.
Cut to landing bay, dramatic tension fills the air as our stalward hero stands beside Alenko and Jenkins. Nihlus strides past with his shotgun, Fagballs glares at him.
"I don't like putting my life in the hands of a turian," He pipes up. Anderson is not pleased.
Anderson doesn't like rascists.
Our hero lands on Eden prime and begins to slaughter the indigenous wild life, laughing as "Gasbag" resistance falters before his might. Our triumphant Fagballs take two steps before Jenkins suffers his one weakness, the pre-rendered cutscene and is killed.
Cut to twenty minutes of hiding behind a rock from the scary Geth recon drones while Kaidan uselessly flops about trying to kill them. Eventually our brave hero Fagballs emerges having made sure the perimeter was "Secure." Kaidan wants to see Jenkins.
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www.supercheats.com/guides/files/guid/mass-effect/m1-jenkins.jpg[/img]
I think he's fine.
Fagballs realises the importance of the mission. "He's dead, leave him!" Kaidan looks sad but continues on like a good whiney B*tch who's gonna be left on a planet with a nuclear bomb in the near future.
Fagballs continues, but to his dismay, the geth send more fearsome Drones. Our brave leader fights valiently but is cut down as Kaidan runs around like a...person who runs around. The scariest music in history plays, and the scariest message in history shows up; CRITICAL MISSION FAILURE.
Eventually, thanks to the power of autosaves, Fagballs defeats the nefarious Geth, and advances forward, only to meet the woman of his dreams!
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firsthour.net/screenshots/mass-effect/mass-effect-ashley-williams.jpg[/img]
Unfortuantely, she talks too much and now Fagballs has the horrible decision of either killing her and relieving his aching head from her stupidity, or kill Kaidan and have kinky space sex...in a space ship in space. Fagballs will have to think long and hard. After a terrible encounter with some robot zombie ghosts which lasted ten "Game Overs," Fagballs arrived at a shed. But this wasn't any ordinary shed, it was a shed with a quick time event. He failed, due to his dextrous thumbs being too big. Enraged, Fagballs melted all his armour and weapons to open the door, although how it surprises me. Inside, he came across a sick woman having her wicked way with a mentally ill person. Fagballs did what he did best and stopped them by punching the man in the head.
Apparantly Fagballs act of kindness was frowned upon, and he instantly became 9 percent evil. Ashley and Kaidan were horrified that noble Fagballs was no better than Saren, whom they hadn't met yet, but would... Because Fagballs looked up the game guide on the extranet. They continued on and saw a big hand in space, and Kaidan cried in shock, because thats all he does.
"Oh my god, that thing is huge, i've a headache, I'm going to cry, boohoo," - Kaidan
Fagballs didn't give a crap and ran away from the geth that then attacked. More nasty zombie robots screwed him over, but eventually his bravery in distracting them by fleeing allowed Ashley to kill them. Then Fagballs opened another shed and gave out to some farmers, and they gave him a gun. All was well in Fagballs mind, except he became 2 percent evil-er.
Then they made a terrible discovery.
Fagballs psychic mind powers told him that Saren shot Nihlus, but Kaidan, the whiney B*tch, was surprised and cried when a scary dock worker told him that Saren shot Nihlus. Then Fagballs yelled loudly at the dockworker named Powell and was given a grenade.
No, not the former secretary of state, Colin Powell.
Fagballs and his croneys then ran around and jumped onto a train, only it wasn't as dramatic. They just stood there as it moved, motionless, like robots. Fagballs psychic powers once more showed him what Saren was doing, he was going to blow up the colony, with Bombs! When the train arrived Kaidan gasped.
"Demolition charges! The geth must of planted them!"
Then Ashley gave useful info too.
"Hurry we have to find them and shut them down."
The decision of who to kill in the future was getting tough indeed. After several pain inducing QTE's to disarm bombs, with the geth put no effort into hiding, the colony was safe, and Fagballs was a hero. But then Ashley went and blew up the beacon. Fagballs was busy watching some jumbled up, wierd tv program when the blast knocked him out.
Udina; "Is this really the kind of person we want defending the Galaxy?"
Couldn't of said it better my self. Cut to Normandy, Shepard strides majestically past the camera pushing innocient bystanders aside. He finally comes to a stop and the camera sweeps around to view his ugly mug with a stern expression on it. Needless to say, Fagballs doesn't suffer fools lightly and Kaidan and Joker recieve an earfull, as does Pressly, Chakwas, Anderson and Nihlus.
"Is that a threat turian?" - Fagballs doesn't like Turians.
Cut to landing bay, dramatic tension fills the air as our stalward hero stands beside Alenko and Jenkins. Nihlus strides past with his shotgun, Fagballs glares at him.
"I don't like putting my life in the hands of a turian," He pipes up. Anderson is not pleased.
Anderson doesn't like rascists.
Our hero lands on Eden prime and begins to slaughter the indigenous wild life, laughing as "Gasbag" resistance falters before his might. Our triumphant Fagballs take two steps before Jenkins suffers his one weakness, the pre-rendered cutscene and is killed.
Cut to twenty minutes of hiding behind a rock from the scary Geth recon drones while Kaidan uselessly flops about trying to kill them. Eventually our brave hero Fagballs emerges having made sure the perimeter was "Secure." Kaidan wants to see Jenkins.
I think he's fine.
Fagballs realises the importance of the mission. "He's dead, leave him!" Kaidan looks sad but continues on like a good whiney B*tch who's gonna be left on a planet with a nuclear bomb in the near future.
Fagballs continues, but to his dismay, the geth send more fearsome Drones. Our brave leader fights valiently but is cut down as Kaidan runs around like a...person who runs around. The scariest music in history plays, and the scariest message in history shows up; CRITICAL MISSION FAILURE.
Eventually, thanks to the power of autosaves, Fagballs defeats the nefarious Geth, and advances forward, only to meet the woman of his dreams!
Unfortuantely, she talks too much and now Fagballs has the horrible decision of either killing her and relieving his aching head from her stupidity, or kill Kaidan and have kinky space sex...in a space ship in space. Fagballs will have to think long and hard. After a terrible encounter with some robot zombie ghosts which lasted ten "Game Overs," Fagballs arrived at a shed. But this wasn't any ordinary shed, it was a shed with a quick time event. He failed, due to his dextrous thumbs being too big. Enraged, Fagballs melted all his armour and weapons to open the door, although how it surprises me. Inside, he came across a sick woman having her wicked way with a mentally ill person. Fagballs did what he did best and stopped them by punching the man in the head.
Apparantly Fagballs act of kindness was frowned upon, and he instantly became 9 percent evil. Ashley and Kaidan were horrified that noble Fagballs was no better than Saren, whom they hadn't met yet, but would... Because Fagballs looked up the game guide on the extranet. They continued on and saw a big hand in space, and Kaidan cried in shock, because thats all he does.
"Oh my god, that thing is huge, i've a headache, I'm going to cry, boohoo," - Kaidan
Fagballs didn't give a crap and ran away from the geth that then attacked. More nasty zombie robots screwed him over, but eventually his bravery in distracting them by fleeing allowed Ashley to kill them. Then Fagballs opened another shed and gave out to some farmers, and they gave him a gun. All was well in Fagballs mind, except he became 2 percent evil-er.
Then they made a terrible discovery.
Fagballs psychic mind powers told him that Saren shot Nihlus, but Kaidan, the whiney B*tch, was surprised and cried when a scary dock worker told him that Saren shot Nihlus. Then Fagballs yelled loudly at the dockworker named Powell and was given a grenade.
No, not the former secretary of state, Colin Powell.
Fagballs and his croneys then ran around and jumped onto a train, only it wasn't as dramatic. They just stood there as it moved, motionless, like robots. Fagballs psychic powers once more showed him what Saren was doing, he was going to blow up the colony, with Bombs! When the train arrived Kaidan gasped.
"Demolition charges! The geth must of planted them!"
Then Ashley gave useful info too.
"Hurry we have to find them and shut them down."
The decision of who to kill in the future was getting tough indeed. After several pain inducing QTE's to disarm bombs, with the geth put no effort into hiding, the colony was safe, and Fagballs was a hero. But then Ashley went and blew up the beacon. Fagballs was busy watching some jumbled up, wierd tv program when the blast knocked him out.
